We have Moved

http://reachingforthestars.biz/2016/02/life-on-the-farm-part-ii/

Hobby Farming Fun

Well, a lot has been happening since my last entry.
Our last child left for college, we moved to a 5 acre hobby farm, and we started collecting animals and growing food.

We are loving our simpler life in the country, milking the goat, training our Great Pyrenees puppy, collecting eggs, and planning the garden for this coming season. Our chicks arrive at the end of this week and we will be entertained by 30 new fluff balls.  There is never a dull moment on the farm, and we are always looking for ways to reuse and recycle.  We outfitted a 250 gallon, old soy sauce container to collect rainwater from the pole barn roof and have filled it with rain water after just one storm.  We made a worm compost system and have been watering our early plants with compost tea, or the run off from the container.  It's packed with amazing plant food!  We're experimenting with goat milk cheese making - yum.  What we don't use, the dog and chickens lap up with enthusiasm!

Our lives are sure busy, but we are loving every minute.  This is a dream my husband and I have shared for over 30 years.  We decided that if we didn't "go for it" now, we'd be too old, and we might regret never trying.  Not everyone understands our kind of "fun", but the two of us are happy, and in the end, I think that we'll have wonderful memories of this grand adventure.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.” 
― Joseph Campbell

Whole Lotta Change

  

This has been a year filled with change. 
One of our kids went away to college and we sold our home of 12 years and are trying our skills as hobby farmers.  
   The collegiate had a bumpy first few months.  There is a lot to getting used to a new roommate and lifestyle.  He joined the rowing team and things quickly turned around for him.  I think that most people want to be a part of some thing larger than themselves, be it a club, team, church, community, or something else. 
   Selling a home after filling it with stuff and memories for 12 years is a process.  We began by going through everything.  We made weekly trips to Goodwill and sold things to friends and family.  Once we had pared down our belongings to what we thought was essential, we were ready to sell.  We found friendly honest realtors who always seemed to have our best interest at heart.  I have a wonderful friend, Robin, who is an interior designer and home-stager, and she was an amazing asset!
   We cleaned the house and readied it for the new owners.  Once you decide to put your home on the market, I think that it is best if you change your thought process a bit.  Your home is no longer yours.  It is a place that people meander through and try to picture housing their furniture, keepsakes and future memories.  Most will want to make the place their own with new wall color, carpet, etc.  Most often, they won't like your stuff and that's okay.  The right buyer is out there, and when the time is right, everything will "click" into place.
   Whatever your transition, give yourself the gift of non judgement. It is just an experience, an emotion, a process.  Take a step back and breathe.  What steps can you take to make your transition easier and/or more successful?  Remember to ask for help.  There are people who want to support you!

Do you Iron?

One of my wonderful clients is a widow who lives in a retirement community.  "Judy" cannot drive, and only has one child.  She doesn't want to burden her daughter with all of her needs.  Not long ago, I took her to a medical appointment, to Wallgreens to shop, and then to Target to pick up her prescription.  She kept apologizing for being such a pain and making me stow her walker after each new stop.  I assured her that it was not only what I did, but what I truly love to do!  We had such a fun morning together.  I got her home and settled back into her apartment so that she had time to rest.

Several weeks later I got another call from Judy.  "Do you iron?" she asked me.  "I'm too dizzy to iron, and the pile just keeps growing.  It's really starting to get to me."  "Yes", I answered, "I do iron", and that is exactly what I did for 2 1/2 hours.  She kept asking me how I could be so fast.   I reminded her that I didn't have to iron while hanging on to a walker, and that I didn't have to wrestle with the ironed shirts while using a walker to go hang them up in the closet.  After she initially offered me soup to take the chill off of the blustery day, we spent most of the time visiting while I ironed.  I was thinking while we talked that even surrounded by a community, at times we can still be pretty isolated or lonely.

Each of us has our "ironing pile".  It's that thing that sends us from "I can manage," to over the top.  It can build slowly, or it can snap like a twig .  No matter what the trigger, or the resulting emotion, you are not crazy.  You are overwhelmed.  There are so many ways that I can help, and nothing seems to silly or to minimal.  As a hospice volunteer, I was told to leave judgement at the door, and I have never heard wiser words!   Why turn down help because your house is too dirty, or the laundry pile is too big?  Isn't that exactly what you would like help conquering?!  Imagine the possibilities....

Another great adventure

I had the most awesome day today!  I was with one of my great clients, well actually 2 of my clients, since they are an elderly couple.  Their daughters have hired me to look in on "Lila and Bob" two evenings each week.  This gives the adult children a nice break and an opportunity to spend time with their own families.  My assignment is to look in on the adorable couple, make sure that they have what they need for dinner, and help them with chores, or take them on errands. 

This night, the pre-ordered dinner did not arrive, so I navigated the retirement community resources to find out if dinner delivery was late or nonexistent.  Lila and Bob can no longer drive, so they love to have me take them on errands.  Tonight, after we scoured the refrigerator to put together a dinner, we went to Walmart.  Lila has some pretty significant memory loss, so as we strolled the aisles, I calmed her fear (several times) that her husband had forgotten the list and his wallet.  We were giggling through the store and trying to keep up with Bob's spry pace.  I helped them find everything on their list, and  a few treats that weren't.  When we got to the check out, a man of about 60 paused near us and asked "Are you their daughter?"  I replied "No" and asked why he wanted to know.  He said, "You are just so cute together."  I thanked him, and as he walked away he said "Thank you for helping them." 

I haven't stopped thinking about the Walmart mystery man's comments.  I had been going through the store so in awe- that I got to do this work, that it's always an adventure, that it never feels like work, and that I love it so much!  To have a stranger tell me that he saw the JOY that we were exuding was mind-blowing to say the least.  Truly magical....

How to Love Life Again After Losing a Spouse" by BeckyAikman.

In  Bottom Line Personal magazine, there was a great article entitled "How to Love Life Again After Losing a Spouse" by BeckyAikman.  

"Becky Aikman was in her 40s when she lost her husband to cancer.  She formed a group with five other widows.  Their goal: To learn to live again after the worst thing that ever happened to them.  In the process, they found that some of the traditional thinking about loss and recovery wasn't helpful.  

Here, advice for rebuilding your life--when you feel ready to do so--in the months or years after the death of your husband or wife...

Don't put off rebuilding because you haven't yet experienced the stages of grief

People who lose a spouse often experience waves of emotion separated by periods of feeling relatively normal.  Over time, the waves become less extreme and less frequent until the widow or widower feels ready to reengage with humanity. 

Be wary of support groups 

If  you feel supported by the group then continue, but be wary of focusing on feelings of grief.  You may find that you are focusing on sadness.  Attending the group in the beginning may feel like a great fit, but listen to yourself and know that it's OK to stop attending once it no longer "fits".  

Make decisions based on what you want your life to look like in the future, not maintaining the life you had before 

Plans made while a spouse was living may no longer fit your single lifestyle:  vacation plans, home or retirement living, and more.  

Friends

Be proactive about making plans with friends.   They may be attentive relatively soon after the loss of a partner.  As time goes on, they may be less inclined to call, especially if you have turned down meetings and outings in the past.  Now that (ital)you are ready, call to schedule something well in advance of the date that you want to meet.  

Construct a new circle of single friends

Get over any guilt about new romantic relationships

Researchers have found that it's people who were very deeply in love with their departed spouses who are most likely to find love again.

ACTIVITIES

New experiences can help to start new routines or highlight areas of interest and give you something to look forward to while building your confidence.

Cook well for yourself

Nurturing yourself through good tasting proper nutrition will go far in helping improve your outlook on life. 

Travel with tour groups

Travel is an excellent way to have new and enjoyable experiences...If you travel with a tour group, you'll have people with whom you can share the adventure."  Just double check that there are single people in the group so that you are not the only unpaired traveler.  

********

Most importantly, and something that was not mentioned in the  article is, be kind and gentle with yourself.  Nurture yourself in ways that help you to heal, and be willing to ask for help. 

I am sometimes amazed at what I can see when I have a camera strung around my neck.  For some reason, I look at things differently.  I recently heard someone say the same thing about holding a sketch pad.  I think that after some time and some training, holding the camera, sketch pad or whatever your "thing" is,  switches the brain  over to a mode of observation or creativity.  If I find myself grumbling or thinking that I need a break, I should know by now, that I should wear a camera, even if I don't take one picture.  It calms me.  Look at this beautiful wild columbine flower.  It was hidden, but with my photographer's eye, it jumped out at me.  
If you are needing to switch gears and see your glass as half full, try holding your version of a camera, or doing that activity that transforms you.  Do you feel alive when you sing, when you dance, when you write?  Take the time to nurture yourself and you will pass it on 100-fold to those with whom you come in contact  all day long.  Leave people with a smile on their face wondering what is making you so happy.  Pass it on!

There was a great article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune last Sunday about hospice care.

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/givingback/200632111.html 


I agreed with a lot of it, but took issue with a few things:
The volunteer said that he isn't really supposed to be friends with his patients, and he said that he normally doesn't go to the funerals of his clients.  

I find that some of my dearest friends were once clients, and going to their funerals is a matter of respect for me.  It tells the family that they were meaningful to me, and therefore, worthy of my time by paying honor to them at their memorial.  The celebration can also be a time to find out amazing things about clients that I never knew.  I love seeing all of the photos of days of health and happiness.  It is an irreplaceable way to say my final good bye and I would feel cheated without it!
  

Life Before Death

 I am a member of a hospice community forum, and they brought this amazing video series to my attention.  All of the videos are well worth watching.  They are amazing!
 

http://www.youtube.com/user/LifeBeforeDeathMovie

Barred Owl

I have had the coolest sight in the morning on my walks.  The other morning while walking on the lake path, I flushed a large bird.  I followed it with my eyes and discovered a barred owl perched in a willow about 15 feet from the path.  We just silently looked at each other for a long time.  Suddenly, it began to raise it's shoulders and cry with a "screeeee".  Then it would pause, and then call with a "screeeee".   The longer I stood still, the more calm it became, until it stopped calling. 
I continued on my walk and passed many people walking, running, talking and being loud.  I figured that the owl would be long gone on my return loop.  As I passed the spot, I didn't see the owl and thought for sure it was gone.  A closer look led me right to it, in the same spot in the tree.  A woman was walking past and I quietly motioned for her to look.  She couldn't find it at first either, but eventually did, and she asked me how in the world I ever spotted it.  I shared my story with her.
The following day, there was no owl.  On the third day, I saw it and stopped.  It looked strange, as if something was wrong with it's head.  I took some cautious steps closer and realized that a second owl was perched right behind it.  I stood for a long time just staring at the magnificence of these two creatures.  I realized that time had probably gotten away from me, so I began to walk away when I noticed a third owl on the branch above the pair I had been watching.  Wow! 
Now that I know what their little "screeeee" cry sounds like, I hear the two that I don't normally see, calling to one another in the nearby trees, while the bold owl sits perched in the willow and looks at me.  I feel so very blessed to have this rare opportunity to look at such magnificent creatures in nature. 

Here's a link to some barred owl facts:
http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/birding/barred-owl/ 

Transformation in photos

Recently I took a class entitled "Midwifing Death"at the Aslan Institute.  Although the title is somewhat upsetting to some, it was a fascinating class.  We learned how to assist people in their spiritual journey as they pass on.  It was an amazing two days.  

 At the end of the class, one of the instructors  brought in a big box with dozens of Monarch caterpillars.  She gave 6 or so to anyone interested in raising the caterpillars.  I took seven and every morning picked the fresh milkweed they eat .  I was amazed at how much those little things ate (and pooped) and just how fast they grew.  One by one, they all made cocoons.  Well after one week, all but one of the cocoons turned black and the beautiful monarchs hatched.  It was an absolutely remarkable front row seat to transformation.

What is ripe for transformation in your own life?  Growth and change can be uncomfortable.  Transformation can also lead to things beyond our wildest imaginations!  Enjoy the series of photos!

Reverie Harp

I have the most delightful patient right now. "June" served as a missionary and has the most interesting life story, including raising 7 children!  I often strum on the Reverie Harp when I visit with patients.  It is wonderful if they are sleeping, unconscious, or unable to communicate.  My current patient, June, is usually sleeping when I stop in to see her, so I sit quietly and play the harp in her room.  Several weeks ago, she was awake when I arrived.  She was all excited to ask me if I had been there the week before and if I had played the harp for her.  I told her that I had been there and did play the harp.  She told me that even though she was asleep and dreaming, the music wove into her dreams and she found it so comforting and beautiful.  I was so happy.  I have played so many time for people who are non verbal or who pass away without regaining consciousness.  With what June told me, I now think that they can hear me playing and are comforted.  What a wonderful confirmation.  

Please go Away

I can't imagine that I haven't posted since February.  So much has been going on, including amazing weather and a beautiful and early Spring!

I was visiting a patient that I have been seeing every week since last summer.  She loves the male deacon/hospice chaplain that I travel with, and lights up whenever he comes into the room.  It's a thing of beauty to watch.  Several weeks ago, we saw a major change in her.  She began sleeping more and more, and was often very sleepy or confused during our visits.  About two weeks ago, when we arrived, we sat quietly in her room.  She woke after a bit and asked us to leave.  She said that she didn't want visitors.  

I tell you this because this may be part of the process for someone you love.  It can be shocking or hurtful to hear.  When my partner and I reflected on the experience, we thought of a few things.  Once we removed our ego from the interaction, the request wasn't at all shocking.  She was tired and not feeling well.  We started to think about how pleased we were that she felt comfortable to speak her mind with us.  Being on the outside of the goings-on in some patient rooms, we often see someone in the last days of their life feeling like they have to entertain a litany of guests, when they are exhausted or uncomfortable.

Our patient was being honest with us, and we could support her by leaving.  Knowing that she loved to pray, we realized that we could offer support in many additional ways, like prayer, letting the nurses know that she may not want visitors, and letting the family know that the patient was changing.   Honoring her wishes was giving her the support that she asked for.

It can be difficult to forgo asserting your agenda into such a situation.  We were there to visit.  We were going to brighten her day.  She loves the chaplain.  Maybe she didn't understand that he was her visitor.  Like I said, ego can make a mess of things.  The best thing we can sometimes do for a patient is to give them what they long for.  It may be difficult to turn visitors away, but it may be the right thing to do. 

Luckily for us, we have been to see the patient again, and although she is often living in the past, it is delightful to visit and learn about her life. Both the chaplain and I  feel so blessed to have each visit.  If a time comes again when she doesn't want to see us, we will have to accept that as part of her individual journey.

 

I'm Ready World

Lately, I have been thinking about what I really love - hospice work.  I love so many aspects of it.  For a long time I have held the belief that people don't come into this world alone, and they should not leave this world alone.  When I was 14, I lost a brother in a car accident and have always wondered if he felt alone or if he died without that knowledge or feeling.  In my hospice work, we don't often care for people who have no one, but it does happen.  Sometimes, family lives far away, and they are doing their best to get to their loved one, but travel can be unpredictable.  
I decided that I would like to actually do Vigil work.   As a doctor, midwife, or doula  aids in bringing a child into the world, vigil work or death midwifery, respectfully ushers people out of this world.  Now, keep in mind, I am not referring to physically doing anything that would speed up the process like some "death doctors" who have been in the news.  I would just like to be a peaceful loving presence that stays with a person in whatever way brings them the greatest comfort.  Sometimes, I find that putting these things "out there" via blog posting or conversation is like telling the universe, "I am ready to do this work, so help to prepare me."  I really think that I was born to do this work, and I am looking forward to the journey of preparation and participation.

A Positive Attitude Goes a Long Way

I wanted to share this great 10 minute TED video that talks about how a positive attitude can actually change everything.  No one is implying that life is always easy or without struggles, but is your glass half empty or half full?  Make it an hour, a day, and a week of seeing the positive side of life. 
Click TED to see the video

Magical Saturday

It began as a blissful rare morning that let me sleep in until it was light outside. I awoke and saw that ho-hum, it was yet another gray day.   When I finally got out of bed I looked out my window and gasped.  The frost was thick on every branch of every tree, and my world looked like a fairy tale that had come to life.  I pulled on my walking gear and headed outside with my camera.  The path is too protected, so there was no frost there.  I headed out across the lake to the various islands and outcroppings.  I never saw another person, and the world seemed covered in a blanket of quiet.  Looking back on it, I find it strange for a Saturday morning.  There was so much beauty in this gray day.  It's just another lesson for me to see the beauty in each and every day and every kind of weather.  Breathe in the beauty of this day wherever you are and whatever you are doing.

 

Ski Weekend

What an amazing weekend!  I had planned to ski with friends on Saturday.  We started as a group of 4 and one by one they dropped out until I found myself alone.  It's funny but most often I exercise alone.  I find that when trying to merge schedules with friends, the timing rarely works out for all of us to be available at the same time.   I really enjoy exercising alone.  I get lost in my thoughts, and let nature guide my pace.  
The sun was brilliant Saturday, and I felt so blessed to be fit and healthy enough to spend an hour or so skiing and soaking up the sunshine.  The wind was biting, and it was racing across the lake.  I hugged the shoreline to cut the wind and got lost in the rhythm of my body whooshing through the snow.  There was barely enough snow for the poles to grab before slipping on the ice below.  I stopped several times just to enjoy my surroundings.  I tend to look down at my skis while skiing and miss the bigger picture.  The sky was that amazing  cloudless blue .  I love to look up at it hightlighted  behind the dark bare branches of the trees.  I had some canines greet me as I passed their homes.  They really seem to love to frolic on the big frozen expanse, and we had a delightful visit.
Sunday looked to be a busy day and I awoke with the wish to ski again but the thought that it may not be possible.  Some way, some how, I found myself darting out the door at 3:30 instead of washing my kitchen floor.  I knew that soon, the sun would begin setting and I needed to prioritize fresh air and more sunshine.  Back down to the lake I went, to find that the wind was much less severe, but the temperature was much lower than the day before.  I took a slightly different route, and truly found my bliss.  It is a magic formula for me to be in nature, sunshine, and fresh air.  I find it so restorative and amazing.   I was able to ski a bit farther and stretch my tight muscles from Saturday's skiing adventure.  Usually, I start my skiing treks much earlier in the year, but with the strange lack of snowfall and the mild temperatures, Saturday was my first ski of the year!  I am blessed to be living in such close proximity to lakes, trails, wildlife, and adventure.  
Today find your bliss and breathe it in.  Savor it so that you can call it up at any time and breathe yourself right back into that time and space.  It's like a mini vacation from stress.  Enjoy!
 

Beautiful Snow

I had always heard that the Eskimo had hundreds of words for snow.  I read in Wikipedia today that they have about as many words as we have in the English language.  It is the Sami people of a region that spans Sweden, Finland, Norway and part of Russia, who have hundreds of words for snow.  
This week, we have had a fresh dusting of snow almost daily. Today my boot prints were the only human ones on the lake path -both going in and coming out.  The temperatures have been more mild this week, so the snow has stuck to every branch on every tree. Sound is muffled from the insulating quality of the snow.  I swoosh almost silently through nature, lost in its magic.  It is stunning. 
Last week, when I was walking, the temp was far below zero, I try to put it out of my mind, but I think it was 14 below one morning without accounting for windchill!  That morning I was walking as well, and each step sounded like I was walking on Styrofoam.  The cold literally made my steps squeak through the snow.  I knew that it would be a long shot to see anything wild that day.  All of the creatures could hear me coming for 5 minutes before my arrival!  I did see a magnificent pileated woodpecker.  I always seem to forget how large they are.
If I can drag myself outside into the cold, I am always rewarded.  The cold brings all of the different frosts and snows that we don't have words for but should!
Next time you see an amazing weather day, try your best to live in the moment.  If you can't get out for a walk, ski, bike or other 'big'  activity, just step outside.  Take some deep breaths and say "thank you" for the beauty that surrounds you at that moment. It is a moment just for you that you can savor for the rest of the day or longer!

Live in the now of nature.  Enjoy!

Going Home

I had the honor last Thursday of visiting 6 different hospice patients.  I spent quite a long time with one patient, "June".  She is suffering from dementia.  She was very unsettled and something was obviously troubling her.  She told me that she was afraid to go "home".  
For many hospice patients "home" has several meanings.  Some who have been removed from their physical homes wish that they could recover enough to return.  For others, I believe that "home" means heaven or wherever their beliefs will take them in the afterlife.  June kept telling me that she needed to go home but that she was afraid because her mom and especially her dad were mad at her.  I had attempted to calm her by saying that I was pretty sure that they would forgive her when they saw her.  Having no idea of her family history, I didn't want to say too much.  I usually try to turn worries or thoughts into questions.  I asked her if she didn't think that she would be forgiven and reminded her that her parents loved her.  We sat and held hands without speaking for about 30 minutes.  She seemed to relax.  She asked me if I had any idea how much she loved me.  It took me by surprise.  I don't know who she thought I was.  I decided that it didn't matter, the important thing was that she was sharing something very real to her with someone she thought she loved.  I replied with a thank you and told her that I loved her too.  It seemed very important for her to tell me.  I have done so much research about dementia.  Many people have the feeling that they need to correct the patient or loved one.  "Your parents have been dead for years.  Your son can't be older than you.  You have lived here for years.  You are home."  
My experience is that the only thing that the so-called correcting does, is to frustrate and confuse the patient or loved one.  I have designed a good rule of thumb.  If what the patient says is incorrect, but won't harm anyone, let it go.  If they say something like "I'm all alone"  it is helpful to talk to them in a soothing way and point out the physical surroundings and nurse or family to "remind" them that they are not really alone or in danger.  If they begin talking about someone who isn't present, or call you by another name, you can say something like:  "Oh, Clare .  I haven't thought about her in years.  Tell me about Clare."  Often their memories are crystal clear and are a wonderful source of connection.  Their stories can lead to other things that they remember.  
Just remember to be patient and ask yourself what the kind and gentle response would be.  It's amazing what can come out of those interactions.  
I will always remember my time with June last week as a gift!

Here is a great resource for dealing with people with dementia www.dementiacarefoundation.org

January or March?

Well, what a beautiful weekend.  I went up to the St Cloud area to visit family.  It should have been our 4th annual boot hockey for all ages tournament.  We had two issues. There had been so little snow and so much wind, that the ice was almost too slippery to stand on without falling over.  The second issue was that there was a lot of open water.  Our host keeps records, and the latest date that the lake has completely iced over was January 9th.  We beat that this year.  
We still ended up having lots of outdoor fun in the beautiful sunshine and 30-40 degree temps!  

The oldest and biggest "kid" in our party is 53 and he organized curling, golf,  soccer, and bean bag toss.  He painted the curling target right on the ice with spray paint and we glided rocks into the target.  I ended up finding that the perfect delivery was like a version of bowling.  I got a running start from a small patch of snow and then swung my rock and set it on the ice as I pushed it forward.  It worked like a charm.  We golfed from the sand and chipped the balls onto a deflated inner tube that was positioned on the ice as the "green".  We all decided that we needed some good cardio exercise, so we chose soccer.  There was no snow on the grass, but because it was frozen, it was slippery and hard.  I can tell you too, that when the ball made contact with skin, it hurt.  We spent hours outside laughing and soaking up the unbelievable January weather.  Right before we began curling, a flock of 10 white trumpeter swans flew in and landed in the open water.  They seemed to be unafraid of us and swam to our end of the open water.  Several were mottled gray and white.  We decided that they were juveniles.  They were every bit as large as the adults.  Only their color distinguished them.  They were incredibly beautiful and quite noisy at times.  
The lake was almost constantly making the most eerie sounds as the ice expanded.  I tried to record it but the family was much too noisy.  It reminded me of hearing whales communicate.  At the same time, it's quite unlike anything else.  What an amazing outdoor weekend!