Going Home

I had the honor last Thursday of visiting 6 different hospice patients.  I spent quite a long time with one patient, "June".  She is suffering from dementia.  She was very unsettled and something was obviously troubling her.  She told me that she was afraid to go "home".  
For many hospice patients "home" has several meanings.  Some who have been removed from their physical homes wish that they could recover enough to return.  For others, I believe that "home" means heaven or wherever their beliefs will take them in the afterlife.  June kept telling me that she needed to go home but that she was afraid because her mom and especially her dad were mad at her.  I had attempted to calm her by saying that I was pretty sure that they would forgive her when they saw her.  Having no idea of her family history, I didn't want to say too much.  I usually try to turn worries or thoughts into questions.  I asked her if she didn't think that she would be forgiven and reminded her that her parents loved her.  We sat and held hands without speaking for about 30 minutes.  She seemed to relax.  She asked me if I had any idea how much she loved me.  It took me by surprise.  I don't know who she thought I was.  I decided that it didn't matter, the important thing was that she was sharing something very real to her with someone she thought she loved.  I replied with a thank you and told her that I loved her too.  It seemed very important for her to tell me.  I have done so much research about dementia.  Many people have the feeling that they need to correct the patient or loved one.  "Your parents have been dead for years.  Your son can't be older than you.  You have lived here for years.  You are home."  
My experience is that the only thing that the so-called correcting does, is to frustrate and confuse the patient or loved one.  I have designed a good rule of thumb.  If what the patient says is incorrect, but won't harm anyone, let it go.  If they say something like "I'm all alone"  it is helpful to talk to them in a soothing way and point out the physical surroundings and nurse or family to "remind" them that they are not really alone or in danger.  If they begin talking about someone who isn't present, or call you by another name, you can say something like:  "Oh, Clare .  I haven't thought about her in years.  Tell me about Clare."  Often their memories are crystal clear and are a wonderful source of connection.  Their stories can lead to other things that they remember.  
Just remember to be patient and ask yourself what the kind and gentle response would be.  It's amazing what can come out of those interactions.  
I will always remember my time with June last week as a gift!

Here is a great resource for dealing with people with dementia www.dementiacarefoundation.org